he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
