Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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