I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
