I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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