Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I skipped work to stalk him.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
