I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
