somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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