Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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