I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
