dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
