There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
