I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
