listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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