So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
