i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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