Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
