I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
