you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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