do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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