Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
