direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
