Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
