I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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