So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
