Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
