I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
