If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
