i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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