I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
