oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
