need another drink. this is the easiest way
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
