Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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