I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
