She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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