how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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