are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
