Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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