I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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