yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
