Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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