...so i touched it.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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