Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
