My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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