Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
