I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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