I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
