i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
