there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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