my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
