When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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