before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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